Honestly

And the countdown begins. I have 5 more teaching days left. After that, if I have to hear myself say "get out your notebooks" "be quite" "write this down" or "Shhhh" one more time, I am going to drop kick a student - or kill myself.

Speaking of which, I have been uncharacteristically depressed lately. I could have to do with the 8 day week I just worked. Or the fact that my thesis advisor, upon third revision, has suddenly decided I need to add another 30% of content to my write up. But it may also have to do with being completely under-challenged yet overworked;  absolutely sick of not being able to speak, read, or write the language that I am immersed in; or the fact that I may have died of malnutrition by now had my mother not sent me Greens Plus.

It seems like I have a lot of reasons lately to be depressed. They are piling up and I can't fight their weight any longer. My thick outer shell is melting! And when I get into a funk like this, what makes me feel even worse, is feeling guilty for it. How dare I complain? I have it so good! This year has been the best of my life (so far).
I make a lot of money, I have traveled to places I never thought imaginable, I am healthy.
But I do so much and yet I still feel unfulfilled.

I know what that is from though, which is maybe the real basis for my recent depression. I have had to think about packing up my stuff lately and I am doing some visualizations of what I will bring home, how I will do it and what I will leave here and who I will give it to. In my visualization I guess I begin to pack up other things too. Like memories, and regrets. I wonder to myself" What have I really accomplished this year? Who have I helped? Is the world a better place? Or have I just been selfish and self absorbed like everyone I scorn back in North America?
I did not volunteer to help in any sort of organization. I gave very little money to charity. I even really feel right now that my students are not better people after listening to my daily rants on the energy conservation or recycling or what 'us' privileged people should do to give back to those less fortunate. Ultimately, I don't feel like I have had the positive impact that I should have this year on the world. I lecture my students on things that I don't even do. I feel like a complete hypocrite.

Anyways, I hope I remember this funk when I begin to apply for jobs for next year. I need to work in a humanitarian role. I need to help people. Otherwise, my life is empty and useless. And I will become an old, rich woman whose traveled the world but with nothing to show for it except stuff and stories. Instead, I'd prefer to grow into an old, poor woman, who has made millions and helped millions with it and thus can die fulfilled.

Furthermore, in my little funk I have begun to look forward to going home and have started a "Will miss" and "Won't miss" list about my life here as some sort of coping strategy. It's funny because, (as my tattoo of 1000 joys, 1000 sorrows reminds me) with every good, there is a bit of bad, and with every bad there is always a bit of good. This comes about when I write things like: I won't miss teaching - I will miss my students; or, I won't miss being stared at constantly - I will miss the attention.

I am sure this list could be much, much longer. Maybe I will add to it further as the departure date (July 10) nears.

Things I will miss                             Things I won't miss
    -My students                                -Teaching/babysitting
    -The language                               -Inability to really communicate
    -The culture                                  -Spitting, peeing, littering
    -The history                                  -The pollution
    -The architecture                           -The music
    -No rules                                      -Being monitored
    -Cheap beer                                  -Expensive coffee
    -The attention                                -Constant staring
    -Cheap and convenient transport    -Drivers and traffic
    -Street Food                                 -Being a size "XL"
    -Everyday challenges                    -Every day is a battle
    -Chenglish                                    -Inability to read or write
    -Excitement of newness                -No break from the newness
    -5$ manicures                               -near-death bike rides
    -2$ haircuts                                  -My 50ft  bathroom
    -7$ facials                                    -Smoking - everywhere                    
    -9$ hour long massages                - "hellooooooooo!"
    -living like I've got a sugar daddy   -honking - for no reason
    -Gina
    -The boys (David, A.P, Paul, Jacky, etc)


I'll miss crazy things like people selling baby chickens out of a box with miniature cages on the side of busy streets.

I'll miss the history and the culture.

Oh, Chenglish....the only thing I can read.

Gina.... what can I say....she puts up with my shenanigans....

And 'da boyz' just serve to encourage them!