Live Learn Love

Live! Learn! Love! How is this not the name of my blog all the time ~ ah, Lindy-Loo's Life will have to suffice; and yet, these three words in sequence and in combination are certainly a thread in my life; in particular over the last 10 years or so. Loving, living, learning; learning, loving, living; living, loving, learning, loving, laughing; living, leaving; learning, longing; loving, listening; listening, learning; living, losing; losing, loving; learning, letting go; listening. Leaving. Letting go. . . Hey, in case you are bored one day, look up all the words in the dictionary that start with love- a few that just made me laugh are: loving cup, lovey-dovey, lovelorn, love handles, love feast, love bite, love apple (see tomato!?).

Living and loving learning: School is amazing and I've gotten so much out of it already. I just want to scream it from the top of a mountain!!!!!!  My classmates are quite varied: Indonesian, Korean, Japanese, French, Finlandish, Thai, German, Russian, Israeli (and then me, the lone native English speaker); just over one third girls; about one third over the age of 24; just under one third visually foreigners (many have chinese parents) - There are 15 of us. We have 3 teachers (speaking, listening and grammar) and I am in love with them all (especially the one who reminds me of Chandler!). We go to class from 8am to 12pm every day and get about an hour of required homework a day and I do maybe another half hour just reviewing new words, etc. So far, it's been a great choice and I am feeling a bit like a hero to myself even though I will get absolutely nothing out of it in the end and the only thing gained is the mere fact that I get to look forward to going to sleep every night because I know the next morning I get to wake up and do something I love.

My class and I out for lunch.

Ah, love. Ah, learning. Ah, life.
So school accounts for 6 hours a day - but then what!? As I mentioned before, this leaves a lot of time for thinking, reading, walking, sitting, typing, sleeping, eating, running - missing, longing, arguing, bothering, hurting, crying. . .. I've even written a few poems, songs, and random intense "blurbs" lately (yes, some of them have been depressing and angry and brutal) but a nice one is as follows:

Life is about learning
Learning is about living
Living is about loving
And loving is life.

Ok, maybe not brilliant, but the good stuff is always the really mean, angry harsh stuff, isn't it? And there's no need to share with you that side of me. And maybe someone else said this once, but I think I thought of it in this moment:

In order to live you must learn; In order to learn you must live.

Maybe you think my poems suck - if only I were as cool as Gandhi who said:
"Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever."
I may not be as eloquent, but I can certainly agree.

Today I am going to try to explain a concept, though please forgive me (Linda, I am writing this apology to you for later in life when you look back at this and blush or laugh at yourself for being so naive, stupid, and truthful) for these thoughts have not yet completely formed; though I feel like I need to write them and put them out there now - maybe some of you can relate or learn from them in their infancy, and maybe by writing them to you and hearing your feedback, I will begin to refine them a bit more.

I will start by saying that life seems to always be offering me two extremes: this job you hate for lots of money vs no job and no money but doing what makes you happy; this man with all of these great qualities but unable to love you vs this man who gives you so much of what you can't buy and yet may never be able to provide for you. Why it seems like this to me, I don't know - maybe everyone is also always offered these two obvious extremes all the time but they often don't see them clearly or don't choose to see them. Either way, seeing these extremes on both hands to either take or leave, I've noticed my decision making processes changing as of late. The values I chose in order to determine what I decide are based on what I want my future to be like: what I want to be like in the future and more importantly what I want the world to be like.

I wrote a blog on HongKong last year and pulled Maslow's hierarchy of needs through its thread. I've again been thinking of this concept a lot; but this time it's been solely on the topic of Love. There is no doubt there is a similar Hierarchy of Love. For now we can call this McGrew's Hierarchy of Love.

I've fallen in love a lot in my life and every time it's been different (like the time fell in love with that pair of shoes, and the other time I fell in love with my mom for the thousandth time). No, really, every time I've been in a relationship, the love I have felt has had a different feeling. At first I thought my ability to love another person was getting stronger, deeper, and better as I matured and as I experienced it more. But looking back, the love I've experienced over time has not necessarily improved or gotten more intense - it has just all been different - different things both out on the table and locked in the closet. But maybe, just maybe, it has evolved in a way that can sort of be described by some sort of Hierarchy of needs or wants or depth.  Look again at  the dictionary and this time check the definition of love. The one I am looking at now gives 8 definitions of the noun and 5 of the verb; all of which are disconnected in some way and all of which can bee seen on some sort of scale of intensity.

Furthermore, think of the history of the last 5000 years or so. What did people look for in a mate and why? who were the ones choosing mates and how? I'm no anthropologist, but I can hazard an educated guess that they were looking for things like: protection from predators; protection of resources for their offspring; the ability to source these resources and provide this protection; in other words: food, water, shelter. 2000 years ago or so (again, I am no historian, just making an educated generalization) I can imagine as some groups became more agrarian and settled down and went from hunting and gathering to staying in one spot, families began marrying their offspring; whole families chose a mate (or sold their daughters) based on family status, family background, family resources, dates, birthdays, the stars, etc. Some thousand years ago, as some majority populations began to pursue things like art, music, education and the like, and there became more of an upper class (class system in general), or exploration of new lands (exploration in general) perhaps in some very unique circles people were able to begin making their own choices using their 'heart'. But I hate to judge that this was no more than instinct coupled with thought - men asked the woman's father for her hand - women had no choice in the matter for the most part - and on most continents until about 100 years ago (save the matriarch's and communes in a variety of country's histories) women came into play in the decision of a wife solely as the subject of a sentence if they were lucky.

Over the last few hundred years we've settled in the new worlds; science has become mainstream knowledge; people have become more and more comfortable with having 'excess' let alone 'enough' - we've all quickly seen even more of an evolution of the mating game: from sexual and natural selection coupled with thoughts of family circles to parent and friend's opinions, religion, educational background, financial resources, and oh my god here we have it - throw something completely new in: women can now also play a role in this choice. This brings us to the last 50 years or so in human history. I'd say my grandparent's generation were still very practical and love has been something they've 'grown into' and 'built'. Then my parent's generation was very much built on peace and love and all that great Hippie stuff, yet things like values really came into play as did future plans, goals, children, desires, etc. I think that my generation in the West seems to think we can all choose who we are with - OK, we choose our mate - but what senses are we using to make this choice? Are we still using old instincts? sexual selection? family values? our brains? Are we just fooling ourselves that we even choose? Then there's the whole concept of the world getting smaller, and lots of confusing social and cultural pressures! And yet, maybe there is another step or two possible in this evolution; this hierarchy. Someone has probably already written a book on this. And for now I will try to stop talking in huge generalizations, and I will explore this issue keeping in my mind the last few months of my own personal life . . . or so.

Getting back to the concept of being offered two extremes. I often attract men into my life who meet me very intensely on a mental level - who challenge me, teach me, learn from me and make me want to prove myself. I mistake this for some sort of healthy relationship and some sort of thing I want in my personal life. I mean, yeah sure I want friends like this. Of course I want mental stimulation and I want to get into debates and earn and offer advice at the same time as receiving it. But that is not love - nor is it the basis for it. Sadly, it took me almost this long to realize this. I also seem to attract men into my life whom I can't have. This might be in the form of being married to someone else; or more simply just so self involved they don't even realize I am there, waiting with my heart on my sleeve. It is like I require this challenge to try to break through a barrier; again trying to prove I am worthy of them or some other such misconception. Maybe this comes from some sort of childhood memory or experience, but regardless, I really, really, want to grow out of this! I've grown out of the "Bad Boy" phase; out of the "Hot Jock" phase; out of the "Emo Musician" phase, out of the "Best Friends Forever" phase, and most recently I can say with certainty the "Age, Experience and Power" phase is behind me.  But, the "Want-Him-Cause-I-Can't-Have-Him" phase is one that I still need to contend with; and the "I'll-Love-You-But-You-Won't-Love-Me-In-Return" phase had better be over soon or I might lose my mind for good! What's happened to me recently is I seem to be very quickly reliving all of these phases - in sequence - as reminders of what I don't want or need. In fact, it's been frightening the amount of men who have presented themselves to me (2009 has been a really crazy year!) in order to re-teach me old lessons. It hurts, man!
But I tell myself nothing worth learning is easy; life isn't easy; it'll all be worth the struggle in the end.

I am so blessed to have friends in my life who also seem to be going through similar phases and exponential growth. I was speaking to one about the most recent cause for disillusionment, and she told me I would never get what I want unless I know what I want. Furthermore, she told me to write down all the things I want in a partner, and all the things I require. I thought about that on and off for a bit, not really planning on doing it, but after a few days of rolling it over in my subconscious, I got home from a long run, and feverishly started to write in this exact order:

adventurous, knowledgeable, open minded, a good listener, wise, spiritual, curious, physically fit, active, healthy, unconditionally loving, supportive, non judgmental, desires to make me happy, attentive, a desire to always learn, a desire to attain their ideal, giving, loving, fearless, passionate about life, lives life to the fullest, happy, fulfilled, unique, not a 'project', successful in their own way, environmentally friendly, funny, good communicator, dependable, punctual, reliable
 
I looked at this list and though: 1. wow, that's a long list; 2. I wonder if other people (my mum, old boyfriends, current friends) would be surprised by this list; 3. I wonder how true I am being to myself; 4. I wonder if I had to pick the top 5 what they would be.

And then I wondered for a few more days.

When you allow yourself a moment to sit, to listen, to learn, live, and love, you are given answers. Maybe these answers come from some sort of all powerful Energy, the Universe, a God; but more likely they come from You. Not only you, but from the most important part of you (a part that we never learn how to or practice listening to) YOUR HEART.

And in a rare moment of listening from my heart, I was given this answer:
I want to be loved so deeply; admired so fervently; adored with such intensity that the rest are just details. Writing a list of what I want in a partner is completely useless because they are all just words, just beach glass that can be rolled around in the sand, molded, lost, stolen, broken - but, love - the love I want to give and the love I want to receive: unimaginable love like the love a mother feels for her child or the love couples feel for one another after 50 years of struggle - this is what matters; this is all that matters - I am afraid to say it; afraid to put it out there - but i think I have it - I think I see it - and maybe it requires a bit more work; a bit more heartache and a bit more learning - but there is a new level I have suddenly become aware of ~ The level of The Heart.

So how do I find this love (though, I do know in my heart I have found it once already - all the more reason to have faith!). I think rather than writing a list of things I want and going through it like buying the groceries, a good start is to ask myself these three simple questions:
Does this person love my heart the way it needs to be loved?
Does this person's heart allow me to love them they way I want to share my heart with someone else?
Does this person have the same heart - does their heart match my own?




The main realization has been this: Ultimately, no matter how many values, ambitions, thoughts, jokes, physical attraction I might share with someone else, if these three initial questions cannot be answered with a resounding YES (from the top of a mountain!) then the rest are useless details of check marks on the side of a list that will either band-aid issues for a while or mask others forever - but I will never be truly with someone I want to be with (someone who makes me happier, better, myself - and in turn allows me to flourish, to be a better person, and to help make the world a better place, which of course I would return with the same unfathomable unconditional forever-no-matter-what-love that allows them to feel like they can do anything and be anyone because they are loved and supported by someone whose heart is equal to their own) unless their heart matches mine.

Now, although this may have been a bit of a breakthrough for me, it might be completely old news to you. So if it is, I have a few curious questions that I'd like to ask you: In order to love someone, is it true you need to first love yourself ? Or can someone show you how lovable you are and thus the love between you grows and grows like one of those strange white crystals? Is love an inherent ability that we are all born with? If we are born with all the tools to love someone from our heart, is this then over time replaced by fear? How and why does our brain get in the way? Does this love I aspire to have require time and experience to 'earn' it? Or is it possible that someone could just love me like that?



So there you have it: a brief synapse of Mcgrew's Hierarchy of Love.
Maybe the next step in the evolution of relationships, love, sexual and natural selection is exactly this: just listening to that one thing and looking for only one thing: that other heart out there that matches your own. I know, it sounds ridiculous, most of you have probably laughed out loud a few times to this (but it is only your own fear you are laughing at so to you I laugh, ha!) and I hope if nothing else, reading my fumblings through life helps you learn something about your fumblings through life - otherwise there'd be no point in my writing this; nor in you reading it.