I'm Back!
It is easy to hate and it is difficult to love.
This is how the world works.
All good things are difficult to achieve; all bad things are easily attained.
This is why struggle is necessary.
It means you are on the path to good.
--Confucius (my translation) --
Hi!
I sent my closest and dearest an update Feb 10th about how great it was to be in Canada (the accents, the food, the nature and the people are all the best in the world!) but how difficult of a time I was still having getting over the shock of what had just happened and how challenging it had been so far to try to suddenly begin to build my life again. This last update came right before the Olympics party in the streets of Vancouver, after which I finally headed HOME, to Victoria.
Victoria, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways...
Victoria's snow-capped mountains are even more amazing, as is the weather and ocean breeze, than I remembered. The people? The greatest people on earth. My best friends/family include upper level government officials, owners of most of the property, a few famous athletes and some incredible business people. It is strange to be back because I just fit right in - right where I left off four years ago. Everyone is still doing what they do best, and are happy to put their arms around me, hand me a beer, and ask me for a story.
I am still working on the police applications here, as well as some other jobs (NGO's and charities). I spent last weekend realizing how big of a wuss I am while getting my first aid and CPR certificates re-certified. And I had a mid rendez-vous with a French Canadian fireman, which only served to remind me of many things, including why I miss Sebastian. Which reminds me, I have an ulcer again. Again? you ask. Yes. The last time I had one was the week I met Sebastian. No sign of one since. Patterns. I always see patterns in everything.
Regardless, this Frenchy was a nice distraction and I took him to all my favorite places in Victoria. Number 1? Fisherman's Wharf.
These last weeks I've gotten some things done which had been incomplete on my list in
France. Being single definitely makes one more efficient.
You have to seek out things to do or you go insane. And by you I mean
me.
My things to do have involved joining a squash league (I can hardly walk right now), the Chinese association, and starting on a garden. We (Steve and I) are planning to make our own wine when I get back from my snowboarding trip mid March, too! And by then the garden will be ready for my organic vegetables and the compost I will be building. Eeeee!
That's right, be jealous. I am just about to leave for a one week visit to the interior to snowboard the best mountain on earth and see family. I am "allowed" to make decisions as of the 1st of March. But it's not looking like any will be made soon. Fear coupled with more fear. I won't deny it.
I am afraid of deciding - of getting myself stuck into something.
And I am afraid of wanting. Afraid of being passionate about something again, and then losing it.
The good news is this is not in my nature and much like my broken heart, it too will pass. The bad news is, the time which is required for the fear to subside is unknown, and the real world beckons - a few job offers and an unfinished book to name a few.
Think McGrew, think...
I can't figure out when I can return to China. Something I have to do. I want to work on my novel there but feel like now that I've started the police app process, I can't leave. And then there is money. If only we operated on good deeds. I'd be rich! Working on a novel is hard and complicated. I can't just pick up where I left off if I work all week then write on the weekends. It's taken crazy amounts of research lately and I feel I need to be there, in Chongqing, to really get the setting right.
But how many incredible novels go un-found? Unread? Am I doing this all for nothing? Is it possible the time and effort and passion invested will go unnoticed? I'd do it anyways... I think.
But if I really thought it would all be for nothing, I'd be less inclined to spend a year going more and more into debt in order to write it. I need to realistically set my own expectations, at the same time as find something I am passionate about.
Decisions. Speaking of which, I've had NO dreams since leaving France about missing a plane. How strange. No more anxiety about missing something important in life. But maybe it's because I have bigger things to worry about and other emotions that have taken over. Or maybe it is actually true, that I was being held back and I just didn't want to believe it.
Two steps forward, one step back.
I was so sad Feb 18/19/20. It was a full moon, which has a tendency to make me overly emotional, but is there some sort of 1 month hump I don't know about? I thought everything came in 3's. I missed him so much I felt like I was going to vomit. It all came back all of a sudden. All the feelings - not as strongly but the empty hole in my heart was even stronger. It's still there. But it turns out that was possibly just my ulcer, and it has only compounded my heart ache because it feels like someone is punching me in the stomach. Just like when Sebastian left. I can't tell if it is physical or emotional now. But it hurts just the same.
I guess all in all, two steps forward are still that, even if there is that one step back every so often.
Now, I had originally planned on sending this out in an email to the people who've been asking me to keep them in the loop. But then I got some great pictures after finding my charger and I can't help showing off! it snowed in Victoria on Feb 24th. The entire city shut down, and I went for a walk to some of my favorite spots.
Not bad, if I do say so myself;)
The Parliament Buildings.
China Town.
I had also originally planned on not writing on this blog for some time.
But come on, who lets a young, ill-equipped, ill-tempered prince-boy get them down?
Not this girl!
(do you know that when his mum used to make him lasagna, he'd complain that it wasn't delivery pizza?! People don't change, just the things they blame their own unhappiness on do.)
So let the new adventures begin!
And with them, stories will follow.
I'm Back!
This is how the world works.
All good things are difficult to achieve; all bad things are easily attained.
This is why struggle is necessary.
It means you are on the path to good.
--Confucius (my translation) --
Hi!
I sent my closest and dearest an update Feb 10th about how great it was to be in Canada (the accents, the food, the nature and the people are all the best in the world!) but how difficult of a time I was still having getting over the shock of what had just happened and how challenging it had been so far to try to suddenly begin to build my life again. This last update came right before the Olympics party in the streets of Vancouver, after which I finally headed HOME, to Victoria.
Victoria, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways...
Victoria's snow-capped mountains are even more amazing, as is the weather and ocean breeze, than I remembered. The people? The greatest people on earth. My best friends/family include upper level government officials, owners of most of the property, a few famous athletes and some incredible business people. It is strange to be back because I just fit right in - right where I left off four years ago. Everyone is still doing what they do best, and are happy to put their arms around me, hand me a beer, and ask me for a story.
I am still working on the police applications here, as well as some other jobs (NGO's and charities). I spent last weekend realizing how big of a wuss I am while getting my first aid and CPR certificates re-certified. And I had a mid rendez-vous with a French Canadian fireman, which only served to remind me of many things, including why I miss Sebastian. Which reminds me, I have an ulcer again. Again? you ask. Yes. The last time I had one was the week I met Sebastian. No sign of one since. Patterns. I always see patterns in everything.
Regardless, this Frenchy was a nice distraction and I took him to all my favorite places in Victoria. Number 1? Fisherman's Wharf.
These last weeks I've gotten some things done which had been incomplete on my list in
France. Being single definitely makes one more efficient.
You have to seek out things to do or you go insane. And by you I mean
me. My things to do have involved joining a squash league (I can hardly walk right now), the Chinese association, and starting on a garden. We (Steve and I) are planning to make our own wine when I get back from my snowboarding trip mid March, too! And by then the garden will be ready for my organic vegetables and the compost I will be building. Eeeee!
That's right, be jealous. I am just about to leave for a one week visit to the interior to snowboard the best mountain on earth and see family. I am "allowed" to make decisions as of the 1st of March. But it's not looking like any will be made soon. Fear coupled with more fear. I won't deny it.
I am afraid of deciding - of getting myself stuck into something.
And I am afraid of wanting. Afraid of being passionate about something again, and then losing it.
The good news is this is not in my nature and much like my broken heart, it too will pass. The bad news is, the time which is required for the fear to subside is unknown, and the real world beckons - a few job offers and an unfinished book to name a few.
Think McGrew, think...
I can't figure out when I can return to China. Something I have to do. I want to work on my novel there but feel like now that I've started the police app process, I can't leave. And then there is money. If only we operated on good deeds. I'd be rich! Working on a novel is hard and complicated. I can't just pick up where I left off if I work all week then write on the weekends. It's taken crazy amounts of research lately and I feel I need to be there, in Chongqing, to really get the setting right.
But how many incredible novels go un-found? Unread? Am I doing this all for nothing? Is it possible the time and effort and passion invested will go unnoticed? I'd do it anyways... I think.
But if I really thought it would all be for nothing, I'd be less inclined to spend a year going more and more into debt in order to write it. I need to realistically set my own expectations, at the same time as find something I am passionate about.
Decisions. Speaking of which, I've had NO dreams since leaving France about missing a plane. How strange. No more anxiety about missing something important in life. But maybe it's because I have bigger things to worry about and other emotions that have taken over. Or maybe it is actually true, that I was being held back and I just didn't want to believe it.
Two steps forward, one step back.
I was so sad Feb 18/19/20. It was a full moon, which has a tendency to make me overly emotional, but is there some sort of 1 month hump I don't know about? I thought everything came in 3's. I missed him so much I felt like I was going to vomit. It all came back all of a sudden. All the feelings - not as strongly but the empty hole in my heart was even stronger. It's still there. But it turns out that was possibly just my ulcer, and it has only compounded my heart ache because it feels like someone is punching me in the stomach. Just like when Sebastian left. I can't tell if it is physical or emotional now. But it hurts just the same.
I guess all in all, two steps forward are still that, even if there is that one step back every so often.
Now, I had originally planned on sending this out in an email to the people who've been asking me to keep them in the loop. But then I got some great pictures after finding my charger and I can't help showing off! it snowed in Victoria on Feb 24th. The entire city shut down, and I went for a walk to some of my favorite spots.
Not bad, if I do say so myself;)
The Parliament Buildings.
China Town.
I had also originally planned on not writing on this blog for some time.
But come on, who lets a young, ill-equipped, ill-tempered prince-boy get them down?
Not this girl!
(do you know that when his mum used to make him lasagna, he'd complain that it wasn't delivery pizza?! People don't change, just the things they blame their own unhappiness on do.)
So let the new adventures begin!
And with them, stories will follow.
I'm Back!
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