france: February 2011 Archives

Wow. France.

Unfortunately for me I never did get to live in France long enough to unearth all of her Francaiseness. I didn't even go to a single chateau or winery (WTF!?). I did, however, learn some useful things, elicit a few entertaining quotes, have some deep thoughts, and received some niceness in Nice.

The following are a few last stories I'd like to share with you from France.

You've likely noticed from my tone in the few blogs I posted from here that the shift from Beijing was shockingly difficult for me. I am still quite amazed how much culture shock I went through; how it was almost even more so than when I first went to China. But in fact, I've spoken to a few other British people, and they, too, experienced several months of 'anger/frustration/shifting'. One told me it took him over four months to adjust. The culture is so similar but so - surprisingly and oddly - different.

 

For instance, Meanness.

French people like being mean, it (along with complaining) gets them off. Everywhere you go, you see Frowns. Seriousness. As soon as you speak, you are a total moron because your grammar or pronunciation isn't perfect. They look at you like you are a worm. But I found in my last month here that for the most part this is only at the surface. Once you get IN with a French person, they are with you for life. In my last week in France, my landlords took me in when I was not wanted (nor allowed) anywhere else, and had no other people to help keep me alive. They fed me, talked to me about how I felt, and constantly reminded me that it will all work out in the end. They might be exceptional people in any culture, but all in all, French people aren't that bad. It just takes them a while to let you find that out.

 

Another example of why us CommonWealth-ers struggle to adjust to France is Boundaries. Both personal and work boundaries are very different in France. For me, this was both annoying and uncomfortable a first. Everything new is always annoying and uncomfortable at first, right? This is due to massive gaps between a boss and their subordinate or a student and their teacher. For a Canadian, this is a tough pill to swallow. Apparently we have the smallest gap IN THE WORLD between relationships such as this. Sorry for being used to calling my Dean by his first name and giving him high fives in the hall (right, David!?). Furthermore, French people's boundaries between work and home life are also quite depressing to those of us who know the joy of grabbing a beer after work, or even playing on a baseball tram together. In France, don't even think about suggesting post-work-beers with the team. No extra-curricular time is spent with colleagues. And they work no more than a 35 hour work week, but the second work is over, they head home. What can they possibly do with all their time?

 

The Language: It took me a full 3 months to be comfortable with using French again. But (Murphy's law) during my last week in Nice, I have to say, I was impressive - the vocabulary and grammar I was throwing out there. ... wooo! But as previously mentioned, it is not uncommon for a local to essentially tell you to stop talking since you are ruining their language. Not too supportive of an environment in general.

 

So it takes three months not only to adjust to a culture, but also to re-remember a language of your childhood. Even when you expect both the language and culture to be so similar to your own, Mental note. Apparently it also takes 3 months for someone to go 180 on you. Another mental note. Nothing in life is permanent.

 

I went through a process of discovering more about what I want in my life while pursuing my Dream Job in France. Becoming a writer has been fun, obviously, and I've won several competitions so far and have a few bites on my book (and it's only been 4 months!) but it is a very lonely profession. Some say, the loneliest. Something for me to be aware of in the future. In experiencing that life here, I learned the difference between Being Alone and Being Lonely. I felt lonely at first but once I got into the swing of it, I realized I was not lonely, just alone. And that is not a bad thing at all. Moreover, the shift from an ancient, vibrating, ever-changing metropolis of 12 million people to a small town, out of the city, with a tiny population of less than half a million, taught me the difference between how a place can Be Peaceful and how we might initially misconstrue that as Being Boring. Each alternative has its perks. Though that too was a tough shift at first, by December I had learned to accept the peacefulness (while at the same time dying for some excitement).

 

 

Ultimately, I want to try to be fair and positive about my time in France, but truly, the only good thing about it in general is the cheap wine, of which I drank almost 5 Litres in my last week. Nothing like taking advantage of the present! I am pretty excited to be leaving, in fact. As many of you heard me say over and over, the only good thing here was Sebastian. I don't consider myself an expert, but I have been in love 5 times, and lived with my love 4 times. Although he no longer loves me, those 3 months were the best 3 months I have ever had in a relationship. I was taken care of, loved, and nurtured in just the way I need. I was grateful for how good I had it every day and I told him so. I can only hope that one day I find someone else half as wonderful (pre-mental-and-emotional-breakdown). The trouble is all animals go through a physical reaction to stress: the fight or flight response. I guess it was best that I found out he was a flyer and not a fighter early on rather than later.

 

Notre Dame in Paris

 

 

Quotes by the French about the French:

 

I worked for IELTS (The International English Language Testing System) for all of Southern France (the same job as I did in China) and it was an unbelievable way to get to know the culture, people, and nuances of a country. Some of my favorite quotes from interviewees are as follows: (A note to the reader, read with a very strong French accent).

 

 

"In French Culture, we see work as a burden. Basically, we don't like working."

 

"French people don't want to have to think about new things. People say we are lazy. We are."

 

"French people are not so welcoming. I think you know this."

 

 

Other insights form the IELTS students wasn't just negative/funny like the above quotes; in fact, I learned to appreciate Bordeaux and Southern France more by listening to them and their insight on it. In addition, I learned why (annoying to me) tradition and culture are so important and protected by the French - the Second World War was not long ago, and it affected them possibly the most out of all countries in the world. Two generations isn't a long time. Maybe it's a good thing they work hard to remember.

 

 

Deep French Thoughts

 

As you know, I am a writer. I wrote a bit about France while here but mostly wrote about China. Of the things I wrote about France, most was generally angry or frustrated. I can't help it, I was adjusting! (plus brought up to hate them) As a writer I keep a pad of paper and pen with me any times when I don't have my computer. Here are some of my "Deep French Thoughts" from my journal:

 

 

Yes, French people are rude. But it is simply because they don't agree. Agree with what? With the idea of joy, fun or gratitude. Rather, they have rules and paper work in a vice grip, squeezing hard, fearing nothing else, but the loss of "solidarité".

 

It's different being a foreigner in places like France. Here, I look like everyone else, dress like everyone else, and even talk like everyone else (for the daily pleasantries anyways). But this 'likeness' almost makes it even more difficult and lonely. I want to stand out. I want people to know I don't belong. I want to stand up and scream, "Hey look at me, I'm different! Be my friend!"

 

French women are all thin and gorgeous, but insanely frustrated. I don't relate to nor do I feel a connection to the women of France at all. They are in a tough spot, and I mainly feel sorry for them. Currently they are stuck in the middle of being educated yet held under the thumb of traditional ways.

 

Side note: In general, Europe has been quite disappointing to me with regard both to its treatment of women, and its treatment of the environment. A lot of what we see in the media is a façade.

 

Bordeaux at night at Christmas

 

Nice is Nice (pronounced like: neeeese is naighse)

 

Though the scenario was not ideal, I spent a good amount of time learning about and exploring Nice during my second last week ever in the South of France. (no, I won't go back, unless we do that bike tour and write a book on it, Alex!). Nice is by far my most favorite city in France. There aren't many other sandy-beached-palm-treed-café-lined-boulevard-cities with Italian men everywhere... we all know how much I route for the Italian men's soccer team.

 

Nice has the Nicest (pronounced "neeecest" (pun!)) people in France. It is, essentially, the anti-Paris. I had some of my first funny and fun conversation with people in Nice since arriving in France. One was a Cambodian immigrant, the other was an Italian man. So no, neither were French, but both were in French, and both lived in Nice. People in Nice care for one another, something I had forgotten people do after my time in China and then France. For example, the odd seat rendered to an elderly woman or helping someone get their ticket stamped on the bus. The little things that go a long way are things I notice in a culture - things that I appreciate.

 

The last cool thing about Nice is the Italian/Spanish influence in everything. Architecture, language, food, and the even the way people look.

The beach at Nice. Nice.

 

 

Coming Home

 

We had a couple of difficulties in our first two months. I guess some people give up after that. One of them was the Internet and the other was my Visa. France is living in the stone-age when it comes to technology, and as we all know, they are in love with their bureaucracy. The visa was a bit stressful too. There is a rule in France stating that the only possible way for a North American to get a job in France is if no other European applies or is capable of doing the job. American haters! I went around this and used OrangOrang as an enterprise from which I would be bringing jobs and income to the country. After 6 months of effort, I got my 'Titre de Sejours' in my last week. Condition-free. A small miracle. A miracle I couldn't share with anyone. But something to consider: I can now live anywhere in Europe, no conditions, for the next 3 years. Hmmmmm.....

 

 

When something devastating and unexpected happens in our lives, we are made to be so vulnerable that we are unable to manage ourselves. That is when friends and family come in to play, and through these last few weeks, I have been reminded about just how amazing my friends and family are; just how supportive and loving they can be. All of the thoughtful messages, emails and letters I've received have overwhelmingly reminded where Home is, and most importantly, what Home means.

 

A blow like this, unfortunately, doesn't push you along; instead, it takes the wind entirely from your sails. For this reason, for now, I feel I've been abroad long enough. Although it is not of my own choice, I am, in fact, ready to come home.

It's exciting! 

I'm coming home this time not just to quickly see everyone, but to really connect with people again. To be there for them as they have just been there for me. I'm even looking forward to it - the new adventures I will have in and around my home, coupled with the familiarity, the safety, and the family.

 

Going abroad and experiencing, seeing and learning what I have over the last 4 years has been fun. But as with many of life's experiences, I realize more than ever what is important in life. Adventures are great, but family is Life.

 

So I have to say that this is the end for now. The end of Lindy-loo's Life as we know it. Maybe the next few things you will read by me will be published. Paperback? Hardcover due out 2012;) Until then I will leave you with a thought I had in the bath this November. Seems even more fitting now.

 

What is life if not but a string of failures?

Like water. It attracts, connects, pools to a point.

Until which it flows, runs, and finally falls.

It is mere chemical reactions. Hydrogen bonding.

Rules by which nature has enforced both a predetermined and inescapable finality on us.

Such is life, then: nothing more then an encoded attraction, connection, flow then fall - to failure.  

 

 

To be unloved and sent home is one thing. But to then be treated as if I am a disease and avoided like the Plague, with no help to the airport let alone a goodbye? No words can describe it fully. Selfish, weak, spineless. But others' journeys are not my own. I can only accept and try to learn from it. Knowing neither I or anyone I love would have ever behaved that way. At the very least I can be thankful I learned earlier on what type of man I had accidentally fallen in love with, and try not to do that again.

One of my many lessons through all this (aside from forgiveness, compassion, and letting go) has been that life is better when there is someone special in it for you to love unconditionally, and who will love and cherish you back. For some of you that's obvious. For me, I had to really have it in my face to come to terms with it. Returning to Canada, I will keep that at the front of my mind while making some pretty huge life decisions, set to change the course of my life over the next few months.

 

 

Today is my thirtieth birthday!

I am grateful for everything that I have: health, family, brains, forgiveness, beauty, compassion, friends, gratitude, experience, education and fire in my belly. I could easily be happy with life as it is now, doing what I love, being around people who accept me and allow me to grow, living a life wholeheartedly, vulnerable, and open. And I am.

They say life begins at thirty.

Well, I guess I'm about to find out!