life: February 2012 Archives

Hi.

I'm sitting in bed now, playing some Chinese Buddhist music to you on my belly. I hope it makes you feel as calm, peaceful and happy as it makes me feel.

Sorry it has taken me so long to write. It's not that I haven't though of you often. It's just that a lot is going on. I can only hope that by the time you read this I have been able to make sense of it all and provide you with a loving, safe home. For now your dad and I are struggling a bit. We have different ideas of what we should do now and he has decided not to be in a relationship with me or let us be in his home. I am sad about this but not angry. I am feeling rejected but stronger for it. I am sure by now you know that your mom is one tough cookie. I know you will be too one day.

One of the many things I have learned in my 31 years is that change is a constant in life. Sometimes change is sad and hard but it always works out for the best. Much of life is our perception of it. To be able to see everything in a positive light is a skill that I promise to try to cultivate in you.

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Today I want to tell you a bit about the scallywag you already are. And how much I already love you, even without yet setting eyes on you, smelling you, touching you, or hearing you cry. I want to give you everything in the world and I hope I don't disappoint you too much. Know that I will always try my best.

You kicked just now. No surprises there. You are so active and full of joy! But you are sensitive too. I know you feel what I feel now, and I am sorry for not being as happy or at peace as I would have liked while you develop inside of me.

Developing inside of me... It happens all over. All mammals and some other animals too. And I have seen it happen to many other women but when it actually happens to you, it is the strangest thing in the world. It is surreal thinking about when your fingernails develop, your fingerprints, your ability to hear, your ability to suck your thumb - all inside of me.

I found out about you very early on. I was only six weeks pregnant and you were just a little sac on the screen. Your dad and I were really excited and even then we both felt very lucky.

Like clockwork, two weeks later I started getting sick. Think of the sickest you've ever been with the flu. Then feel that way for 8 weeks. I worried it would never end, especially when I read about how sometimes it doesn't end for some women. Now it feels like years ago, even though it was only months. We don't know exactly what causes "morning sickness" now except that it is from hormones. I am sure by the time you read this they will know the cause down to the atomic level, and have all sorts of cures.

At about 16 weeks, again like clockwork, I felt you move for the first time. I was out at the rental shop with your Grams and Gramps up at Silver Star. There were lots of people around and I was feeling really excited. Suddenly, I felt these tiny little bubbles, just inside of my belly button. I turned to your Grams and said "I think I just felt the baby move for the first time!" I was red in the face and in a bit of shock. Grams was so excited she didn't stop telling everyone for days. It was a Christmas present for us all. It's like you already felt all of the love we had for you.

Since around that time my energy has come back. I feel good physically now and I feel you rolling around all day and night. You especially seem to like it when I've eaten or when I am lying down. Lately I've been playing a game with you in bed. When you kick I lightly poke you back. Then you kick and I poke you again. It will be another four months until you come outside of me and we get to play. But I know already we will have a lot of fun together. Please never forget to have fun with me.

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I wrote a list of what I want you to be and have when you grow up. Although I am sure much like everything else in life, this too may change, but right now this is what I want for you, my one true love:

            - Education: knowledge and a love for learning

            - Health: a good diet, fun exercise, and spiritual awareness

            - Compassion and openness

            - Confidence and independence

            - Fun and joy

            - Gratitude

            - Balance

Someone asked me recently what I wanted you to be when you grow up and I immediately said, "Happy". To me that means doing what makes you feel alive, pursuing your passion, and giving and receiving love.

On this day and forever more, I wish you pure happiness, baby.

All of my love,

Mum.