Musings: September 2007 Archives
I've been around quite a few people and had some experiences lately that have reminded me not only about being thankful, but also the path that I have been on to allow myself to get to feel gratitude every day. (Or at the very least, aspire to!) I dont pretend to sit here on some high horse preaching today about how to be happy. In fact, it's only after a few days like the ones I have had recently - where I have missed my friends like crazy, felt lonely, felt judgmental of my physical appearance, and just wanted to crawl into bed all day and sleep it away - that I am reminded of how to get out of that funk and back on track. So I don't really know why I am writing this then. Maybe I am hoping that someone out there will understand and I wont feel like the only one in the world who thinks like this.
Everyone seems to aspire to be something; to get somewhere, or to have something (usually just 'more'). For me right now, the exercise is in appreciating what I am, where I am and what I have. Practically reprogramming myself from the messages I have been plastered with my entire life. To aspire to this state is fun and difficult and I get excited when I feel like I am almost there because only then can I move on to the next level...only then can I 'roll with oneness'! (my friend's bumper sticker on Maui).
Maybe I see it all differently than most. Maybe it is me who has it all backwards. But I have observed lately that I seem a lot happier than the people around me - a lot more satisfied. I have worked my whole life on making things make sense to me in my head - since that is where I spend most of my time. And the struggle for me right now is to recognize that other people (who may be much older, more 'successful' or 'experienced' than I) may not have come to the same conclusions as I have. Part of me wants to shake them, smack their face and say "Wake up! Look at all the beauty around you! Look at what you are missing while you sit there thinking only of yourself and your problems!" But the other part of me knows that I have been there before. And I had to get out of that stage on my own terms, based on my own experiences.
Think of it this way. I could have stayed inside today and complained that it was raining. But instead I ventured out, and because of the rain, I saw this beautiful spider web. And better yet, I got to share it with you!
Lately I feel like I have been doing a lot of listening. Maybe the people I am around here like to listen to themselves speak because it is a familiar sound and it helps them adapt to a new country with new customs and a new language. I've even listened to myself often lately just talking to talk. But mostly when I listen it is to complaining and I find myself saying to people when they get upset about something or they start complaining or working themselves up about something... "But it's bigger than you." And by that I mean there is more out there than the stupid stuff you are worrying about. But the frustrating thing is I don't think they get it...but it's mostly because they are too busy preoccupied with their anger or fear or disappointment to listen to what I am saying!
For Christ's sake there is more out there than what the food tastes like, how much money you are making, what kind of personal problems you might be having, or what sort of hang ups you might have about yourself. Granted we all struggle with our inner voice and the challenges that living on this planet brings. And some of us have great intentions (like my feminist coworker). But women's rights in America are so much farther ahead than, say, Haiti. So shouldn't we be thankful to have the opportunity to live in America; and furthermore, travel all over the world? THAT's women's rights at it's best...so what about it then? I caught myself thinking how dare she complain about women in America making on average 25% less than their male counterparts, when the woman beside us will make 1000% less than that mopping floors for 18 hours today? And she NEVER had a choice to go to school or do something else.
But it is bigger than that too. I have found that when I can release myself from myself - realize there is such a bigger world out there than me, I free myself from that voice that is judging; from the fears, the hang-ups, the anger and frustration. And during those times I can be me. And I can truly be happy. I wonder if that is what enlightenment is? I don't try to attain any sort of enlightenment. I think the attempt to attain it will block one form the realization of it. But I am aware that it can happen to any one at any point in their life. And that when it happens it is a gift.
I went to a Buddhist temple today. It reminded me to be thankful. It is almost physically painful to me when I sit and think of what I have to be thankful for. I truly become overwhelmed. There are many gods you can pray to for things at this temple. This is a photo of people lighting prayer candles. I felt as I watched others light their candles and bow that I had no desire and no need to pray for anything. And then I thought a bit more about it. You know, kinda thinking I should pray for something while I was there. Not really 'pray' but manifest and just send energy out there about something. I thought, if I could pray for one thing, it would be that every person in the world could at some point realize and understand that all you need to have in life to be happy, is gratitude.
Look, this guy's thankful and happy! He gets it!
Everyone seems to aspire to be something; to get somewhere, or to have something (usually just 'more'). For me right now, the exercise is in appreciating what I am, where I am and what I have. Practically reprogramming myself from the messages I have been plastered with my entire life. To aspire to this state is fun and difficult and I get excited when I feel like I am almost there because only then can I move on to the next level...only then can I 'roll with oneness'! (my friend's bumper sticker on Maui).
Maybe I see it all differently than most. Maybe it is me who has it all backwards. But I have observed lately that I seem a lot happier than the people around me - a lot more satisfied. I have worked my whole life on making things make sense to me in my head - since that is where I spend most of my time. And the struggle for me right now is to recognize that other people (who may be much older, more 'successful' or 'experienced' than I) may not have come to the same conclusions as I have. Part of me wants to shake them, smack their face and say "Wake up! Look at all the beauty around you! Look at what you are missing while you sit there thinking only of yourself and your problems!" But the other part of me knows that I have been there before. And I had to get out of that stage on my own terms, based on my own experiences.
Think of it this way. I could have stayed inside today and complained that it was raining. But instead I ventured out, and because of the rain, I saw this beautiful spider web. And better yet, I got to share it with you!
Lately I feel like I have been doing a lot of listening. Maybe the people I am around here like to listen to themselves speak because it is a familiar sound and it helps them adapt to a new country with new customs and a new language. I've even listened to myself often lately just talking to talk. But mostly when I listen it is to complaining and I find myself saying to people when they get upset about something or they start complaining or working themselves up about something... "But it's bigger than you." And by that I mean there is more out there than the stupid stuff you are worrying about. But the frustrating thing is I don't think they get it...but it's mostly because they are too busy preoccupied with their anger or fear or disappointment to listen to what I am saying!
For Christ's sake there is more out there than what the food tastes like, how much money you are making, what kind of personal problems you might be having, or what sort of hang ups you might have about yourself. Granted we all struggle with our inner voice and the challenges that living on this planet brings. And some of us have great intentions (like my feminist coworker). But women's rights in America are so much farther ahead than, say, Haiti. So shouldn't we be thankful to have the opportunity to live in America; and furthermore, travel all over the world? THAT's women's rights at it's best...so what about it then? I caught myself thinking how dare she complain about women in America making on average 25% less than their male counterparts, when the woman beside us will make 1000% less than that mopping floors for 18 hours today? And she NEVER had a choice to go to school or do something else.
But it is bigger than that too. I have found that when I can release myself from myself - realize there is such a bigger world out there than me, I free myself from that voice that is judging; from the fears, the hang-ups, the anger and frustration. And during those times I can be me. And I can truly be happy. I wonder if that is what enlightenment is? I don't try to attain any sort of enlightenment. I think the attempt to attain it will block one form the realization of it. But I am aware that it can happen to any one at any point in their life. And that when it happens it is a gift.
I went to a Buddhist temple today. It reminded me to be thankful. It is almost physically painful to me when I sit and think of what I have to be thankful for. I truly become overwhelmed. There are many gods you can pray to for things at this temple. This is a photo of people lighting prayer candles. I felt as I watched others light their candles and bow that I had no desire and no need to pray for anything. And then I thought a bit more about it. You know, kinda thinking I should pray for something while I was there. Not really 'pray' but manifest and just send energy out there about something. I thought, if I could pray for one thing, it would be that every person in the world could at some point realize and understand that all you need to have in life to be happy, is gratitude. Look, this guy's thankful and happy! He gets it!
Running Sept 4 2007
Before I jump into the shower I need to try to explain a few thoughts that plagued me during my morning run in the rain. The first is your oneness, thoughts, your Dupreeness, or Lindaness in this case (as in "You me and Dupree"). I remember thinking a lot about this as I cycled-toured around the South Island of New Zealand. I had left for New Zealand running from a few things. I knew that and had accepted this running for what it was. But I mostly had wanted to run from myself; and run from my thoughts. However, that did not happen. Instead, I went to a place where I needed to live in my own thoughts more than ever; having not planned anything and only bringing my bike, a tent, and a sleeping bag (oh, and my visa card). It was kindof a cool opportunity to get to know myself; to observe my reactions and to try to learn how to live in my head. Not an easy thing to do, and believe me I spent quite a while try to counter that before accepting it. That's a lie. I still try to get out of my head all the time.
The last few days in China have been scary and fun. But as I explore, meet new people, start a new job and learn a new language, there is one constant. Me. I still have the same thoughts as I ever did. I still have the same desires and values. I still wake up in the morning and go for a run or practice yoga with an intense inability to focus on it in the moment and do an entire Asana practice without stopping for some reason. I still constantly want to improve at whatever I am currently obsessing about. I still live with the memories that I will take with me everywhere I go (my current favorite is when Hana and I pretended we were from the Bronx at a bar on Maui to try to get the DJ to play some hip hop). So really, yes I am here and in a new country doing all these new things, but to me nothing has really changed. I am still living in my thoughts, struggling with learning what I am here to learn in this life, and all the while trying to help others in some way.
The other thing I thought of quite a lot during my run was running. That is, the physical act of running, and how lucky I am to be able to do it. I remember thinking about this quite often as I would head out for runs in Victoria. Down in the harbor, right next to the 'needle exchange.' I would leave my house with a new lease on life...it was a new day. I would begin to run up the hill, passing beggers, drunks, prostitutes, and the unwanted. They were all hurting and starving, and here I was living in such luxury that I have to run for an hour every morning so I don't get fat because I have so much access to so much food and time to relax. Today while I was out running in the pouring rain through an old Chinese park, my thoughts were similar. Where my school is there are quite a few factories. Pfizer is one of them...don't they make viagara? I digress. There are six lanes on the street in front of my house. 4 for cars and one on each side for bicycles. Thousands of people rode by me today on their way to work. Today they will make around $5CN. More than likely they will not have had any breakfast, and they likely didn't have a shower with clean water this morning. And here I am running around trying to burn off calories because I have too much. (that's not the only reason why I run, but it has become a lifestyle thing for me as much as a spiritual practice). There is obviously a global problem here. But what do I do about it? What can I, as a well educated, aware, Canadian woman, do to bridge this massive chasm between the world's wealthy and the world's poor, while at the same time not being a socialist goofball?
Well, I don't have an answer yet. Maybe I will need a few more hours on the pavement for that one...or more likely a few more lifetimes. But until then I guess all I can do is be thankful for my healthy knees, legs, body and soul and trust that the factory workers that pass me in the morning here, and the bums who I pass in the morning in Victoria also have things to be thankful for.
Before I jump into the shower I need to try to explain a few thoughts that plagued me during my morning run in the rain. The first is your oneness, thoughts, your Dupreeness, or Lindaness in this case (as in "You me and Dupree"). I remember thinking a lot about this as I cycled-toured around the South Island of New Zealand. I had left for New Zealand running from a few things. I knew that and had accepted this running for what it was. But I mostly had wanted to run from myself; and run from my thoughts. However, that did not happen. Instead, I went to a place where I needed to live in my own thoughts more than ever; having not planned anything and only bringing my bike, a tent, and a sleeping bag (oh, and my visa card). It was kindof a cool opportunity to get to know myself; to observe my reactions and to try to learn how to live in my head. Not an easy thing to do, and believe me I spent quite a while try to counter that before accepting it. That's a lie. I still try to get out of my head all the time.
The last few days in China have been scary and fun. But as I explore, meet new people, start a new job and learn a new language, there is one constant. Me. I still have the same thoughts as I ever did. I still have the same desires and values. I still wake up in the morning and go for a run or practice yoga with an intense inability to focus on it in the moment and do an entire Asana practice without stopping for some reason. I still constantly want to improve at whatever I am currently obsessing about. I still live with the memories that I will take with me everywhere I go (my current favorite is when Hana and I pretended we were from the Bronx at a bar on Maui to try to get the DJ to play some hip hop). So really, yes I am here and in a new country doing all these new things, but to me nothing has really changed. I am still living in my thoughts, struggling with learning what I am here to learn in this life, and all the while trying to help others in some way.
The other thing I thought of quite a lot during my run was running. That is, the physical act of running, and how lucky I am to be able to do it. I remember thinking about this quite often as I would head out for runs in Victoria. Down in the harbor, right next to the 'needle exchange.' I would leave my house with a new lease on life...it was a new day. I would begin to run up the hill, passing beggers, drunks, prostitutes, and the unwanted. They were all hurting and starving, and here I was living in such luxury that I have to run for an hour every morning so I don't get fat because I have so much access to so much food and time to relax. Today while I was out running in the pouring rain through an old Chinese park, my thoughts were similar. Where my school is there are quite a few factories. Pfizer is one of them...don't they make viagara? I digress. There are six lanes on the street in front of my house. 4 for cars and one on each side for bicycles. Thousands of people rode by me today on their way to work. Today they will make around $5CN. More than likely they will not have had any breakfast, and they likely didn't have a shower with clean water this morning. And here I am running around trying to burn off calories because I have too much. (that's not the only reason why I run, but it has become a lifestyle thing for me as much as a spiritual practice). There is obviously a global problem here. But what do I do about it? What can I, as a well educated, aware, Canadian woman, do to bridge this massive chasm between the world's wealthy and the world's poor, while at the same time not being a socialist goofball?
Well, I don't have an answer yet. Maybe I will need a few more hours on the pavement for that one...or more likely a few more lifetimes. But until then I guess all I can do is be thankful for my healthy knees, legs, body and soul and trust that the factory workers that pass me in the morning here, and the bums who I pass in the morning in Victoria also have things to be thankful for.
