It is strange counting down to something that I neither can control nor completely pin down, but I feel that I've been counting up for so long that at some point a countdown needs to begin.

It seems like yesterday when I was 12 weeks pregnant and it finally hit me then that this baby had "stuck"; when I was 16 weeks and I felt the baby move for the first time; when I took the baby to China at week 25; when I started to actually show around 28 weeks; the girl's weekend with 4 generations of wonderful women at 33 weeks; and now my baby shower at 35 weeks.

35 weeks. It is definitely time to countdown. And the countdown is both with excitement and trepidation. I am spending my days now savoring every quiet morning of sleep-ins, every afternoon of wandering the city with my earphones full blast, and every lonely evening of eating a dinner for one. This is the end of an era, truly.

 Sushi night with Bonnie (sister), Ann-Katherine (doula), Grama (aka GG), me, Mum (aka Grams), and Miya (sister in law).

The end - or, the beginning rather, will be in 2-6 weeks. I can't count the sleeps and I can't even really nail down the week. All I know is that I have 2 weeks to go until I can have a "full term" baby and therefore have it at home, without intervention. I am ever so slightly anxious about that special date since it is quite important for me to not be at the hospital unless absolutely necessary. And after that, it is a waiting game.

The nesting hormones have definitely kicked in. I am even more germ-phobic than usual and constantly find myself stopping everything to clean something. I have piles all over the house: hospital pile, home birth pile, post-baby pile, within-first-month pile. And lists...lots of lists. Things I need now. Things the baby needs soon. Things I want to do with the baby this year. Things I want to do while on maternity leave. Plans A, B, C, D... Everything is up in the air. But I don't mind.

Dad, me, mum and Bonnie at my baby shower.

My dreams are getting intense now as are my images for this birth, this baby and my feelings of love and protection. I've had dreams of giving birth to twins who are about 3 years old, lots of dreams about breastfeeding (I am just mesmerized that I will feed my baby from these things), and dreams about my child being a little older. Nothing too crazy though. No headless baby dreams - yet. I know that nothing ever goes as planned but I do have a pretty exciting labor and delivery "planned". I have images of the baby being born and being put on my chest and of the people there and the experience of it all.

Aside from all of the Keith (currently being referred to as SD) stuff it has been a fairly straightforward pregnancy. I feel great. I look good. Sleep is fine. I can't complain at all. But I will say it is not luck. I have been swimming 3km a week, walking 10km a week and cycling still 30km or so a week. I do yoga twice a week and aside from eating healthily (though I must say I have more of a sweet tooth than usual and am not nearly as concerned about fat grams or sugar as I would be if I was not supposed to be growing) I would say that the chiro once a week and numerous parenting classes and counseling appointments are helpful but really secondary in importance to being active. It helps that Victoria is so beautiful in the Spring.

Love. Love is the key, too. Love from all of my friends and family as well as myself. All going to this baby already.

As I have said many times, traveling is like living life (and my life is one of those crazy chicken buses through a developing country where no one speaks your language and you're never really sure if you're going the right way...but the stuff you see and do on route is unique, breath taking, and better than anything you would have ever imagined) and like life, it is always the people in it who make it worth living.

This trip to China was my first time ever traveling outside of Canada to just see people. It was a different experience but exactly what I needed at this moment: a stream of generous, kind hearts who are like family, knowing me and what I have been through, and supportive and optimistic of the future.

Me and Jasmine and our MeiMei (little sister) Sue out for hot pot on my last night in Beijing.

Shanon and Jasmin in Beijing; the Mei family in Tongli; and then my cuz', McGraw, in Shanghai, to top it all off. They all listened to my heartache with patience, and reminded me constantly of what really matters: me and the babe - our health and happiness. McGrew and McGrew junior (aka mini-mc) will be fine, we all know; I'll make sure of it, we're all confident. And it will be easy, with family and friends all over the world, who already love and are there for us both.

Mei and I out walking in the Plum flower orchard (Plum flower is both of our last names: 梅)

Thanks to you all for being so warm and generous! I have a very strong feeling I will be seeing you all again - sooner than we think.

One last thing about this trip. 20 months ago I left fearing I was leaving China behind and may never see her again. I dreamed every night of missing boats, planes, trains (symbolizing fear of missing out) up until my last day in France. After 20 months of being away I had expected a lot to change, and it had in some superficial ways but the China that I lived in - learned in and loved, is still there. And I know it is silly for me to worry it will go away one day, or go on without me in some way, but I was relieved to find it just the way I left it, and relieved to know for certain now that I can always just go back.

Many of the villagers here survive by growing a grass that they dye and weave into Tamami mats then sell to Japan.

Caleb, the highlight of my trip: a bundle of joy and love that is shared by the entire village. I was asked to give Xiao Yiao an English name even before he was born, which was easy since Caleb has always been my favorites and he certainly lives up to the name - loving and trusting everyone in sight. He is 15 months old now and is being brought up in 4 languages, so doesn't say much but understands a lot. One of his favorite words is "ipad", which is actually a bit humorous considering his bedroom doesn't even have heat.

Which brings me to my next topic: poverty. If you have never been to a developing country, or out of your little all inclusive resort in many places, you have no idea what poverty is. North American or even European "poverty" is in large part a reflection of over protective social systems, drug abuse, and mental illness. In the developing world, poverty means basic necessities of life are often not met. Clean water, food, clothing and shelter. Poverty to me is also lack of access to education and health care, no matter how far it is or dirty it may be when one gets there. Where I am staying now in China very much borders on my definition of poverty. May's family is by no stretch of the imagination poor as both her and her husband A.P. speak English, thus have the opportunity to provide for them all; however, the rest of the village one comes into contact with on a daily basis are another story, as are the majority of people in this region. Interestingly, the Chinese government recently instilled a minimum wage of 2000 RMB per month (assumingly to help people) and that translates roughly into a dollar a day. But that is apparently far too rich for overseas manufacturer's blood (read: Japanese, Taiwanese and American companies), and many of them are now moving shop to Vietnam or Laos, leaving many people here unemployed.  This is one of the hundreds of reason to BUY LOCAL.

 Suzhou

The people down here are, for obvious reasons, much less used to foreigners. I spent a half hour on a bus full of school children while returning home from a solo adventure to Tongli and I think they had all stared at me long enough and closely enough to sufficiently memorize every pore of my skin. I spent Friday in Suzhou (my old 'hood) while May worked and was reminded of how if I ever returned to China, I would only be able to live in Beijing or Shanghai, if for no other reason that the constant staring and "helloooo!" But Suzhou is beautiful - much more so than I remembered. And much like during the flight here, as I walked around, memories came flooding back. For example, remember when I punched that guy for stealing a woman's purse and it turns out he was just beating his wife in public? I walked passed that spot.  

Basically most of my photos so far have been of food, in large part to show everyone all of the yumminess, but also because I love food in China; though in Beijing it is a bit of a shock from my normally light Canadian diet: very salty and very oily. Each day I've been sure to eat something new and delicious, and buy something cheap and beautiful. Moreover, I got a $1 manicure and a $2 hair wash yesterday, and Jasmine and I are pretty sure we will need massages after a full day of writing tonight.

It's a tough life.

Baozi, aka steamed buns...a favorite breakfast all over China

But it's not all good, as anyone in China or any developing country would know. The pollution, for one, is devastating. The sky, roads, water, cars and people are so grey from it. Google is blocked right now as are the usual facebook, youtube, etc. And it stinks. Quite literally. The air and water. Lastly, it snowed two days ago. Acid snow. And I managed to pass the day watching movies and shopping inside until that ended.

Both Jasmine and Shanon have mentioned that the price of everything has doubled in Beijing since I left. The intention being to keep any non-Beijinger or unemployed person out of the city. The major effect it is actually having instead is putting small entrepreneurs out of business, and even taxi drivers are pulling their cars off the road because gas has doubled. Aside from the increase in prices and the undue stress that is causing the locals, there is an interesting new political climate in the capital. Shannon is taking a "newspaper" class and each day they talk about articles in the state-run paper. Interestingly, journalists are publishing story after story about the corrupt way government officials use state money. The people seem to be sick of all of the secrecy. Let's just say we might be looking at another revolution in a sense - and of course it will have a Chinese twist.

Novelists... well maybe not me but hey you've got to start somewhere.

The first four days were with Shanon and now I am with Jasmin. These two women's personalities are in stark contrast with one another but there is one thing that every one of my friends in the world has in common: I absolutely look up to them for their strength and brilliance. Jasmin is a combination of Jasmin from Aladdin and Mulan. Her family fled Iran when she was 5 and she had to start a new life in Sweden: learn a new language, and adapt to a place where she sticks out like a sore thumb just  as she entered the school system. She fills my need for creative expression and emotional conversation. She is in fact here in China on a bursary from the Swedish government to write a novel. We are spending the day today at a coffee shop - talking about life, men, growing up, our books, our inspirations, and even writing the odd sentence in between breaths.

Only three days left in Beijing then I'm off for Shanghai/Tongli/Suzhou. I've already checked everything off my short list for here so the rest is just bonus, giving me a nice feeling of temporary respite before the next list begins.

Memories....

The memories started flooding to my mind even before I got to the airport. Then in the first 24 hours it was like I had opened a box I'd completely forgotten was there. Many of these memories are very special - full of loving people and beautiful places. Some of them are funny and things I hope to never forget, while others are downright scary.

The memories of my second home are filed into many areas of my brain. Some of it is big picture stuff: the way people bump into or step on you then don't ever react let alone say sorry; the plethora of accents and dialects, all with one fashion style; the land of the silly walk; smoking; smog; Gross National Happiness; curiosity; smells... And others are small details: the time Bonnie and I had a laugh attack down the Li River; when Chandler got to see the ocean for the first time; when my mum and dad and I had a beer at the end of our treck along the Great Wall.

All good. Very, very good. 

I've always found it somewhat odd - my affinity for China. The language, culture, history and land. Now as I prepare to give birth I have been learning about cellular memory and how even as babies we are exposed to things that made us feel good or bad - then unknowingly as adults we follow that subconscious. I wonder as I walk the streets of Beijing if there is something to that with China and I. Do I love the food because my mum ate lots of Chinese food while pregnant with me? Do I love the language because I was exposed to it somehow as a baby and associate it with happy feelings? It seems like a long shot but, really, it is strange, this love of mine.

It may be cellular memory but I think it is in part due to the culture, history and language - so very different than my own, and also from the constant challenge to not judge, just to accept, to just be, and to live in harmony where everything is so backwards. I'll give you an example from the starting gate. My flight arrived into Beijing after 24 hours of traveling. It arrived at the same time as about 30 other domestic flights (something to do with them having closed down the airport for two hours so that a government jet could land) and this meant 3000 people and about 20 taxis. So I did what any seasoned veteran to China would do - sought out an illegal cab known as a black cab - to take me to Shanon's. It didn't take long and after some bargaining I accepted getting charged a double rate due to a lack of options. We drove around for a bit looking for other passengers, eventually accumulating two young Chinese men, and set off for the highway. Within 3 minutes the taxi driver was yelling, honking, swerving and speeding, and the car was hotboxed from cigarettes. This is China ... and this is what I love about it. Were my thoughts, which finally had me cracking up when upon dropping me off, the driver proceeded to take the opportunity to throw all of his garbage onto the middle of the road and drive away.

Sound like a nightmare? I don't know, there is something so endearing to me about faults - both in people and places.

I'm staying with Shanon as I mentioned. She is a beautiful woman from Calgary who came to Hong Kong at the age of 20 to study political science and never looked back. She has been living in Beijing for 8 years now and we met working at the British Embassy in 2008 - the bond of being the only two young women in a sea of middle aged men solidified our friendship immediately. The facts that we are both from Canada and are both self proclaimed "eggs" (white on the outside, yellow on the inside, aka China Geeks) kept us in contact even after I left, almost 2 years ago. I'm staying with Shanon for the first four days, until she goes away for the weekend for work.

Shanon's house is a little out of the city (fifth ring road) in a huge complex full of thousands of apartments - almost all homes to Koreans. It is like Korea town around her neighborhood and tonight we went to a Japanese restaurant serving Korean food that was served by Chinese girls. This kind of diversity is very rare in China. While at dinner Shanon pointed out the ride I've been on since I saw her last: Bali and my business there; the cycle tour through Europe; France and Sebastian; going home unexpectedly; looking for some sort of roots; starting a new job; starting a new relationship; getting pregnant; losing both the new job and the new relationship... Wow. I guess I don't really think much of the way my life seems to jam pack things into a short time span. But I could use a bit of a break. Any one of these adventures is enough for a full year of excitement and/or trauma.

Today was day 1 and I had no real plans except to get adjusted and re-acculturated while Shanon went to class then work. I went out for a walk and immediately came upon a market (good things always come to those who follow their nose), selling all of my favorite 东西 along with my favorite Beijing foods.

Note: the air quality was 2/10 today as per the background.

The first thing I had was a warm, sweet fresh soy milk and my first thought was, Oh you and I are going to be friends for the next two weeks. I found the 煎饼 (breakfast crepe -photo below) I had wanted as my first meal, and proceeded to wander through the market while I ate and drank. This is what I love about China, I thought, happily browsing the aisles and slowly making my way to the Subway station - armed and ready for the next adventure.

He's about to add this deep fried bread thing then fold it all up and give it to me in a plastic bag. It is good...trust me!

A few last Day 1 comments:

My throat hurts from the pollution and I am already looking forward to clean air when I return

All people should drive like Chinese people do

Salty food = weird smelling pee

All people should cross the roads like Chinese people do

This really is opposite world

Hi.

I'm sitting in bed now, playing some Chinese Buddhist music to you on my belly. I hope it makes you feel as calm, peaceful and happy as it makes me feel.

Sorry it has taken me so long to write. It's not that I haven't though of you often. It's just that a lot is going on. I can only hope that by the time you read this I have been able to make sense of it all and provide you with a loving, safe home. For now your dad and I are struggling a bit. We have different ideas of what we should do now and he has decided not to be in a relationship with me or let us be in his home. I am sad about this but not angry. I am feeling rejected but stronger for it. I am sure by now you know that your mom is one tough cookie. I know you will be too one day.

One of the many things I have learned in my 31 years is that change is a constant in life. Sometimes change is sad and hard but it always works out for the best. Much of life is our perception of it. To be able to see everything in a positive light is a skill that I promise to try to cultivate in you.

---

Today I want to tell you a bit about the scallywag you already are. And how much I already love you, even without yet setting eyes on you, smelling you, touching you, or hearing you cry. I want to give you everything in the world and I hope I don't disappoint you too much. Know that I will always try my best.

You kicked just now. No surprises there. You are so active and full of joy! But you are sensitive too. I know you feel what I feel now, and I am sorry for not being as happy or at peace as I would have liked while you develop inside of me.

Developing inside of me... It happens all over. All mammals and some other animals too. And I have seen it happen to many other women but when it actually happens to you, it is the strangest thing in the world. It is surreal thinking about when your fingernails develop, your fingerprints, your ability to hear, your ability to suck your thumb - all inside of me.

I found out about you very early on. I was only six weeks pregnant and you were just a little sac on the screen. Your dad and I were really excited and even then we both felt very lucky.

Like clockwork, two weeks later I started getting sick. Think of the sickest you've ever been with the flu. Then feel that way for 8 weeks. I worried it would never end, especially when I read about how sometimes it doesn't end for some women. Now it feels like years ago, even though it was only months. We don't know exactly what causes "morning sickness" now except that it is from hormones. I am sure by the time you read this they will know the cause down to the atomic level, and have all sorts of cures.

At about 16 weeks, again like clockwork, I felt you move for the first time. I was out at the rental shop with your Grams and Gramps up at Silver Star. There were lots of people around and I was feeling really excited. Suddenly, I felt these tiny little bubbles, just inside of my belly button. I turned to your Grams and said "I think I just felt the baby move for the first time!" I was red in the face and in a bit of shock. Grams was so excited she didn't stop telling everyone for days. It was a Christmas present for us all. It's like you already felt all of the love we had for you.

Since around that time my energy has come back. I feel good physically now and I feel you rolling around all day and night. You especially seem to like it when I've eaten or when I am lying down. Lately I've been playing a game with you in bed. When you kick I lightly poke you back. Then you kick and I poke you again. It will be another four months until you come outside of me and we get to play. But I know already we will have a lot of fun together. Please never forget to have fun with me.

---

I wrote a list of what I want you to be and have when you grow up. Although I am sure much like everything else in life, this too may change, but right now this is what I want for you, my one true love:

            - Education: knowledge and a love for learning

            - Health: a good diet, fun exercise, and spiritual awareness

            - Compassion and openness

            - Confidence and independence

            - Fun and joy

            - Gratitude

            - Balance

Someone asked me recently what I wanted you to be when you grow up and I immediately said, "Happy". To me that means doing what makes you feel alive, pursuing your passion, and giving and receiving love.

On this day and forever more, I wish you pure happiness, baby.

All of my love,

Mum.

I've known for almost 2 months but I've still not had much time to absorb it all. Instead, I've been madly trying to survive a full time job, the election, and a 24 hour hangover.... morning sickness is an all day, all night affair - one that I have been dealing with for 8 weeks and counting, causing me to actually lose weight instead of gain it even with a little peach inside of me now.

Amidst the re-named by me 24-7 sickness sits proudly the pregnancy hormones causing it - moreover causing me to be so extremely calm and cool about it all that even I am beginning to think I might be going crazy. Of course I have a lot of fears and a zillion things to worry about - namely, where I am going to live and what I am going to do. But somehow these great hormones just make it all seem like no big thing.

Now, you, like many others, probably have a hundred questions.

Well, let me go through some of the typical Q and A's for you and if you still have little things nagging by all means email me!

Who is this Keith guy?

"The Italian", as he was formerly known as and is still referred to is actually from Victoria (his parents are from Italy, and god does his mum make a great pesto). He works in real estate/financing and dabbles in his own side projects. He is a pretty good soccer player and drummer and cook. When we first started seeing each other I could run circles around him, which served to motivate him to a point where I can't even keep up with him anymore. I took him on his first bike tour ever (through the Okanagan in June) and I guess it won't be our last!

When are you due?

In the first week of June, 2012. Fingers crossed for June 9^th so that the baby's birthday is 06/09/12- a good mathematical birthday!

Is it a boy or a girl?

Recently the rules changed in B.C. so that parents can only find out the gender of their baby if they go have a special 3D ultrasound in a private clinic. That is a bit WASPey to me so I am voting to hold out until the baby is born. I think it's going to be a girl though.

Why are you doing a home birth?

Ideally, yes, my baby will be born at home. My midwife will coach Keith and I through the birth and we can be in the warmth and cleanliness of our own place. Complications can and do happen and if they do then I will go to the hospital (pouty face here) but I won't like it. Hospitals are dirty, smelly, factories and more people leave them sick than well. Not to mention the fact that child bearing and birth are parts of a HEALTHY normal life, not a sick one, and so should be treated that way.

How did this happen?

You know, I always thought that if I did settle down and have a family, it would have to be forced on me - not in a bad way, but in a surprise way like this. So yeah.... it happened like all other surprise pregnancies happen. But I am pretty sure you'd be hard pressed to find two people more ecstatic about a surprise like this than Keith and I.

What do your parents think?

My parents have been pretty cool with it. In fact, pretty much everyone has. It's funny, the people who I thought would freak out the most are some of the ones who have had the most logical and loving responses. The award to best reaction still goes to Bonnie, for sure though. I called her mid November, right after the election, and like most other people she assumed the election was the big news in my life. Well, not long into the conversation I changed topics and spilled the beans. She immediately broke down crying and I couldn't understand a single thing she said for what felt like hours, until I finally heard her say, "this is the best day, ever!"

Part of what is making Canada home is having a weekly schedule and getting up to old and new shenanigans. Recently I went on a bike tour along the southern tip of the island, and another through the Okanagan. Furthermore, my weekly schedule is littered with fun and games - or things that I turn into fun and games, anyways.

My Canada Day bike trip to Port Renfrew was, not surprisingly, an unattainable goal. 120kms out and 120kms back. I made it to Jordan River (90km point) and the Italian picked me up - knowing it was an unattainable goal and just happening to be in the area (my hero). Just in the nick of time, too. I had only begun to cry a little.

The next bike trip was in fact with the Italian. I took him through the Okanagan, which he had never been to, and tried to persuade him that Okanagan wines were on par with Italian wines. It is tough selling someone on an idea that you yourself don't believe in. But I wouldn't say I totally failed.

We are both in love with Pinto Gris from Burrowing Owl.

The best view award went to NkMip, for the second year in a row.

During the week long, much needed visit to the Okanagan, the Allenby Awesomes got together for our first ever reunion - twenty years after I had moved away. We did what we always did - played Soccer Baseball, and the best part by far was teaching the children of the kids I had grown up with how to play our childhood game. The second best part was the Okanagan Springs Brewery donation we had won, which contained 8 12-packs of beer and a plethora of beer-related paraphernalia.

In and among the odd bike trip, work drama, and Italian lessons, I do still maintain a weekly schedule of things I look forward to when in town (2 out of every 4 weeks). This weekly schedule is probably what has allowed me to begin to finally feel at home again.

Sunday dinners at Ian and Debs are by far my favorite part of the week. Aside from the fact that Debbie's food is the best in the world, Eli and Lily remind me that there is so much more to life than a career and traveling. For instance, playing at the park and watching Cars 2!

Every Wednesday afternoon I volunteer with Crime Watch for the Victoria Police. Even just saying that makes me feel sixteen. The little red shirt I wear, with "Crime Watch Volunteer" on the back, is the real kicker though. I feel like a kid doing it, in a lot of good ways. Basically we drive around looking for criminals, and walk the beat, keeping the peace. No, not really. We mostly just watch for things like suspicious behavior and then walk through parking lots, "locking out" auto crime. The odd shift something exciting happens, like the time I found a stolen lambourgini. And the time we followed a guy running with only underwear and an ipod. I wanted to call the cops but the manly guys I was with wanted to follow him. We proceeded to park and got out to follow him (the perp.;)) by foot. We subsequently lost him (um, guys, cause we're not cops). But found him again when the real cops came and wrestled him to the ground, 200m from our van. I don't think the po-po were impressed by our initiative.

Moreover, I spend many of my weekends and the odd afternoon volunteering as the Business Coordinator for the BC Green Party. So far this has involved spending afternoons with the leader of the BC Green party, who is so awesome. On the topic of politics, I was talked into running for city council in October and running in the upcoming municipal election as a Green in the university riding. The results of the HST referendum will impact the ability for students to vote...more on that in a month or so. Last thing on the politics front - I met with Elizabeth May in the flesh Monday and am going to a bbq with her today!!

I might break down and ask for her autograph... she is so cool.

Lastly, as part of my update for the month, here is my favorite pic of July. An abandoned hotel on our bike route between Oliver and Penticton. And the best song of the month: http://youtu.be/AhxF9xudm04 - Mia, by Emma the Great.

But I am not. And I hope you aren't either.

When you do get that ballot in the mail and open it, think of how you want your province to be. Then vote No.

Yes, the question is the most obscure and confusing wording ever (I'd love to read how this was translated into Chinese).

Yes, the government sucks and all that other whiny crap I hear all day, PLUS they "illegally" forced HST upon us (or some such other ignorant view).

Yes, the government misspends a lot of our hard earned money.

And yes, you want to vote No.

You want to vote No for many reasons:

If the GST and PST are reinstated, small businesses will have to change their systems again, the costs of which will be as much as a month's profit or more.

The jobs of the GST and redundant PST workers will be restored, and the taxes somewhere else will have to increase in order to pay for that bureaucracy.

The government will get enough money to operate in the comfortable way they like to, with the amount of money they feel they need (to pay B.C. Parks officers an 85$ per day stipend for food while traveling, or entry level clerks Helijet tickets to sit in on meetings in Vancouver)... So just deal with it.

And if you don't like it, run for office. 

The HST was an attempt at streamlining our government - something we never see.

Don't punish this behavior just because you didn't like the way it was implemented.

Can you tell the difference between stupid and brave behavior? Most of the time, no... (I know this because of the amount of times people tell me I am brave, when I really know I am not). On the outside, acting in a way  to "punish" the government (quotations because you are just punishing yourself) looks the same as when someone is behaving with stupidity and not bravery. Acting out of stubbornness can seem like an act of principle. It's not (I am an expert - you'd know why if you met my father).

Just because the government forced HST upon us, doesn't mean we need to vote it away.

And since that is the only argument I have heard so far for reinstating the PST and GST, then by now you all must have come to the only logical conclusion too... vote NO.

And just in case you are left with any doubt, take a moment to step back and try looking at a bigger picture.

Instating a Harmonized Sales Tax was a move towards a more sustainable system of taxation: decreasing income tax and increasing consumer tax. I should not be getting taxed more the more educated I am, the harder I work, and the more money I make and neither should you. But we all should be getting taxed more the more we spend, the more we buy, the more we consume and the more we tax the environment through that consumption.

An additional "health" tax on fast food, alcohol and tobacco; a "green" tax on petroleum based products and anything that contains PCBs, fire retardants, and other such bio-accumulating chemicals that are slowly killing all living things; and a luxury tax on anything that costs more than 50% above the average price for a good would be a dream come true in a province that has the potential to be a leader in the world, but instead sits sniveling about how expensive things are and how it sucks to be in debt while you sit there drinking the second 3$ coffee of the day.

I used a facebook app to find out I fit in the middle right. Pro HST, moderately care. It's true.

Lastly, if you don't like it, move to China, where there is no sales tax and also no option to vote; move to the US where it is more like 3%, state-dependent and a government that lies and steals. Or here's a novel idea: stop consuming. Show me an average Canadian who actually needs to buy more than 50% of the things he spends his money on, and I will show you one who could care less whether there is consumer tax or not.

"I'm not crazy, I've just died.

I'm not Jesus, I'm not God, but I'm here to save people.

I've been given a second chance for a reason.

"The kids in Victoria call me the Salmon King. When that happened the price of the stock went up trillions. Then people started hating me. People don't like a good guy. 

"One day I found out my girlfriend cheated on me because she gave me something I ain't never had before, if you know what I mean. On the way to the doctors two guys came at me trying to kill me. While I was running away from them I got hit by a car. That's why I'm handicapped now. Got this cane, see?

"I embarrassed a guy so badly he went purple yesterday. He was making fun of my charity down at the auction. He didn't believe my money all went to the children. I yelled at him. They don't let people talk like that at the auction but they let me. I yelled at him and embarrassed him so badly his face turned purple and he marched right out. We won't see him around any more.

"You know how much money I made for the children at the auction last week? Three hundred thousand. Yeah. I make money and give it to the children's hospital. I'm Santa Claus. Even the Victoria police call me Santa Claus because of all the good I do for children. I had a house once with ten boys - all orphans. All under the age of ten. I never touched them; I was just helping them out. But some guy ratted on me and I went to jail.

"I went to jail cause I needed a break from it all. Even the judge he said he knew I was innocent but he thought I just needed a break. I was in jail for six weeks and when I got out the guy who put me in, his dad had died and left him 10 million dollars. So he knew I would be after him and he paid a bunch of guys to try to kill me. Watch when I walk outside later. There'll be guys following me trying to kill me. But they can't.

"I'm a good guy.

I wanna be a bad guy but I can't.

Every body hates a good guy.

"You're my friend. You're safe.

Just wait it out, the storm will die down.

And you'll be OK cause you're my friend.

"I won the lottery one hundred times in a row. Then they banned me. Then I won one hundred scratch-n-wins in a row before they banned me from that too. I was in a casino one day and they banned me because every machine I touched won. Wanna watch me go make some money? One second I can make a million. Wanna come with me now? Come on.

"I am a millionaire. I make about fifteen hundred dollars a second. And the IRA owes me thirty thou. They're taking their time getting it to me. I'm owed about four hundred thousand dollars. But no one's paying right now cause of the way the economy's going.

"Wanna see cane twirls? Come out side and watch this. Come on! Look. Whew! Oh that wasn't a good one. Not high enough. Whoo, hoo! Good one. Betcha I can stick it into my pocket. And there ain't even a hole in it. Do you believe me?

Sloop! Heh heh.

"I see you've probably heard a lot of bullshit in your life - 'scuse my language, but this ain't bull.

I just wanna make conversation.

"The auction is just down the street. I bought an old French vase yesterday for 10 bucks and I'm gonna sell it for 1800 dollars. All the money I make goes to the children.

"I've died and come back to life three times, once when I was 8, once when I was 17, and again only 5 years ago. A guy came up to me and put his finger on my chest last week and said, 'you're one of them too.' He had died too once. We can see each other. We know one another - those of us who have died and come back to life. We see things differently. I'm not crazy. You know that, don't you?

"I'm not crazy, I've just died.

I'm not Jesus, I'm not God, but I'm here to save people.

I've been given a second chance for a reason.

"The  ambulance attendant saw me on the street the other day and nearly passed out. 'Rob? Is that you? You should have died!' he said.

"'You have the longest life line I've ever seen in my life,' a woman said to me once. She's one hundred and thirty. She's seen a lot of life lines. I have the longest life line. That's why I can't die.

"I've been clean for seven months. I needed a break from that too. But I'm not crazy and I'm not on drugs. I just am - like this. Different than other people. Like, I can see through you. Look into  my eyes. I can see your soul. ...

"Yep. You're good. That's why I like you.

"What do you do? You're a writer? Then write something useful. Write about all of the greed in the world. And how it will kill us soon. Greed. Those Chinese were the final straw. They will kill us all.

"I had 50 years of friends then in one night I got rid of 'em all.

"My friend died yesterday. Just over there in a room in that building. I was there. I saw it with my own eyes. They brought me there to bring her back to life cause I had brought myself back to life so many times but there was nothing I could do.

"One time a seagull had a heart attack and fell from the sky and hit me on the head. Another time a Canadian goose flew right into me. They don't see me, birds - on account of my dying three times already.

"My brain has grown so big. When I'm on a bus I hear every person speak and think.

"I had to go back cause I lied.

Fibbed.

White lie.

"Three hundred thousand dollars last week for the children's hospital.

"How's your coffee, you want another one? I'll get you one. I'm rich, you know. OK, I see, well I'll go then.

"Check TV, Evening 6 News. What do you think of Rob so far?

He holds his right hand in a fist, first up to his mouth and then over to mine as though it is a microphone. In a rare moment of utter speachlessness I realize he has been gripping his fist that way the entire time he has been speaking to me. I sit, dumbfounded, my mouth opens a few times but I cannot think of an appropriate answer. I look into his eyes again, praying that he can't really hear my thoughts like he said he could.

Finally I muster, "It was a pleasure to meet you, Rob." to which he responds by jumping up from his seat and bolting out the door while yelling.

"It was nice meeting you, too. See ya 'round!"

His yellow eyes with a thousands black specks make an impression on my memory that I may never shake.

Better People by Xavier Rudd

Them giving food to the hungry
Giving hope to the needy
Giving life to a baby
Giving care for free
There is freedom around us
We have everything we need
I will care for you
Because you care for me

We all have opinions
Some of them get through
But there's better people
With more good to do.

What I have could be a message
Or just some words from my heart
My respect to the ones making changes
For other lives they'll give their own

Our world it keeps spinning
'Round and round it goes
Human nature keeps spreading it's disease

And our children keep growing up with
What they know from what we teach
And what they see

And it's only a question of the time we have
And the lives that our children will lead

They can only keep growing up with
What they know from what we teach
And what they see...

I left work at 5:30pm this afternoon with the above song stuck in my head.
The sun was out and in typical West Coast fashion, so was the wind. A beautiful summer afternoon, made even better by the realization I had absolutely no plans and no responsibilities for the next 5 hours.
Blissfully, I arrived home, grabbed some cheese and a bottle of wine, picked up my bike, and rode the 6 minutes downhill to the ocean. Once there, I breathed in the clean crisp air, counted my blessings, and thought of you.

Life is good. It really is. But I miss you and being there. I miss many people and many places.
Perhaps I always will; or maybe one day I will find peace.
This was my view as I thought of you.

They say April showers bring May flowers. So what might April Adventures bring? To me, they bring a full time job (and not just your average job either); some more personal growth (as if I needed that) in the form of insane books who found me at the right time (as books do) and (more) difficult men; the return of my mom and dad and various arguments about democracy in Canada, many of which involved me taking the stance of the most right-winged-communist-lover you'll ever meet.

April was a productive month to say the least, but May is looking a lot like a tulip about ready to bloom. A yellow one for sure - those are my favorites.

My new job, the life-altering books, and the male figures who seem to always challenge me to be me and to allow them to be them, will all have to wait for another blog. Instead, I will briefly share with you something I wrote at the end of the dock one day last week out at the lake house, and my personal views on the looming federal election.

20/04/11 You are an image of your parents; we all are, whether we like it or not. For this reason, things that bother us about ourselves certainly will be things that bother us about them, and in times when we are particularly bothered by ourselves (I am unlovable, unattractive, uninteresting, unsuccessful, getting old, have no home, etc , etc - and if you are wondering, yes, that is what I have been struggling to stop telling myself most days lately) those personality traits that are there in order for us to grow (the purpose of family, I think) stick out like a sore thumb. And ouch, yeah, it's sore. In that same 1,000 joys, 1,000 sorrows sort of way, that which make our parents happy or fulfilled are generally things we enjoy too. So being at the lake house, getting to see fish jump, hearing the birds wake up, and going for a daily run with nothing more than a deer as the other animal on the road, were those special things we will always be able to share. During times of stress it is always how you chose to deal with the moment that determines who you are, and I find myself struggling to deal with this moment well. For now I will try to focus on that which we love together: the dock, nature, wine... that should be enough for now...I hope.

The month of April saw celebrations for very important reasons, but much closer to my hear than Easter, April 22nd was Earth Day. This is a day where we are supposed to give back, change our ways, see the bigger picture, and make a difference. What did you do? What did I do? It's not like how on Mother's Day, some people just were not taught proper respect and fail to thank their mums; rather, failing to thank the Earth has no immediate consequences. But not even the Conservative government is dumb enough to claim global warming isn't happening and that we are the root cause. (Oh wait, yes they are. How embarrassing.)

One thing, which you might not have thought of to do for the earth this year, is vote. As the global environmental crises take the back seat to the global economic crisis, your vote has the ability to alter the future of something much more valuable than you or your job security; much more important than your family's health or community's growth. You, your family, and everything you hold dear would not be here without the globe - without a healthy globe, able to sustain all the animals and ecosystems on it.

The vote for our next Prime Minister is only one of three votes which we will see over the next few months; therefore be forewarned, you will be hearing more political rants regarding such things as my love for the HST and my confusion during the provincial elections. But in the grand scheme of things, the federal election is the most important. You are hurting yourself and your country by not voting; you are hurting it even more by voting without considering the grand consequences of your vote's effect on the Earth.

While trying to educate myself about each issue that I hold dear (environmental conservation, environmental protection, international trade, international aid, and taxes) I found this site:  http://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/canadavotes2011/votecompass/

It helped me to realize how annoyed I get about the platforms (abortion and gun laws are not important when the entire planet is being devastated and immigrants with PHD's are cleaning toilets!!!) but also who I felt represented my key issues in the most likely party to have an impact. I highly recommend it.

Your vote is bigger than you, your job, your family, health care and even the economy. Your vote will impact the environment. Without that we've got nothing. Voting for something bigger than you is a concept many of us have never thought of. And why would we? First off, the candidates and media themselves tell you to only think of yourself; moreover, they breed fear and then plague you with commercials promising to alleviate that fear. Don't think we are any different than America in this regard.  

Yes, we all make decisions based on fear (I am afraid of the degradation of our planet) and Maslow's hierarchy of needs reminds me that it is a privilege to worry about the planet. But since it is a right to vote, I will leave you with one question: What is freedom without an environment?

On the fourth day of the fourth month

I sit, contemplating my fate.

It began and ended as the bulbs of Spring

Broke the soil in a far off state.

            I was there once.

            I am here now.

In a land where Spring slowly yields to Summer,

Powerless, I grieve our lost dreams;

Helpless, holding only your image now;

Hopeless and unwilling to let go somehow.

            I would love Spring forever.

            It no longer wants to be.

Music, travel, nature, stories -

These old friends are now enemies.

All passions bring you to me,

Constant, uncontrollable memories.

            So short a time to love you.           

            So long a time to let you go.

Last night, still drunk, I fell asleep

In clothes once worn for you.

You met me there, your face so clear.

I felt your heart, you share my sorrow.

            My home is far off in a yellow land of rice.

            My heart is further still, buried by vineyards.

I dream you come to my door,

Much like I have yearned before;

When I longingly waited that whole day,

Standing still, where you sent me away.

            Homesick while at home.

            Heartsick everywhere, unending.

Not long ago we held each other,

Cared and loved  - in sleep and in life.

A perfect match, we fit together;

So right we would have loved forever.

            Hopelessness and dread,

            That you might never return.

Sunshine rises - brimming, begging.

It was once a friend of ours,

But like me it is lost now too

Counting each day without you.

            Fear that tomorrow will be like today

            Fear that today was equal to yesterday.

With the rising sun the wind blows in a new day.

Sitting inside I am a cat, warming in the window.

Yet even that brings me close to my old love:

I was his kitten, he was my sun above.

            They were all wrong when they said

            Time heals all wounds.

Searching for anything real to grasp,

I take comfort in the cherry blossoms;

One thing we never did share.

All else is saturated - ubiquitously you.

            I choose the slow agony of not letting go,

            So you can remain in my memory, perfect .

The cherry blossoms fall now onto the sidewalk,

Where they are walked on - forgotten.

Once beautiful, they are quickly blown

Away further still - a place unknown.

          I watch their destiny unfold

          Sadly, submitting, relating.

I've been sort of waiting for something exciting to happen here so I would have something to write about, but I really just need to accept the fact that if I am not in China, nothing much exciting happens. No punching guys on the street or near death by motorbike. No night markets or learning a crazy foreign language. Now all I've got are the memories of it. I think people here are already sick of hearing the stories.

Instead, excitement - much like beauty, lies in the eye of the beholder. Spring is here, yeah! Exciting!

March madness, cherry blossoms, storms, and planning my vegetable garden.

Walks at night with just a sweatshirt and jeans on, longer days, and sunsets at 7pm!

It's not fair to say that nothing exciting has happened. A few weeks ago I went home to the Interior to go snowboarding and to see family. That was exciting. Here are Bonnie, Kelly and I at our pizza and beer night.

On the way to Vernon I had a funny and exciting experience, which I will tell you in the form of a story.

I get on the ferry, lululemon bag slung over my left shoulder, mac book held under my right arm. I am tired and starving and sit down close to a window at the front deck to eat my cinnamon raisin bagel with cream cheese in 3.5 seconds, taking time only to think about how dry it is and how I am happy to have brought my own bottle of water.

By now the ferry has pushed off. People from the car decks are slowly coming up and filling the seats around me. I take only a moment to look out the window and revel in the beauty that is the West Coast, then I go to stand in line to buy my bus ticket. The bus driver is "Canadian-friendly". This is a nice way of saying annoyingly so. He chit-chats-bordering-on-flirting with every passenger. C'mon, we just wanna buy a bus ticket! When it comes to my turn, I pay the 18$ with visa. I pay everything with visa these days. Money will come. I input my PIN, and the bus driver says, "What, did you break my machine!?" I look up and smile politely, as the people behind me laugh. That was funny? God it's no wonder the world thinks Canadians are the least funny people. I am embarrassed for everyone around me.

I put my card, ticket and receipt away then follow the signs to "Work Stations" where I will be able to plug in my computer and work on my book. Unfortunately, when I finally find it I am disappointed to find that each one is full - of other macs plugged in with other people writing their books no doubt. I sigh and look around for another outlet and when none can be found I resign to sitting in the galley, writing until my battery dies.

I see a man - dark and handsome, working on his macbook in a row of empty chairs.  It's always nice sitting beside nice looking people. I sit in the same row four seats over, open up my macbook and start typing. I try to appear busy but struggle to concentrate. In part due to the handsome man to my left and equal parts due to the 20-something white male, doing a combination step aerobics and a rain dance on the outer deck for us all to see. He does a shocking 360 turn with arms raised, I start to laugh and look over at Mr. Handsome, hoping he had seen the incredible move too. He is already smiling - flashing perfect Canadian teeth. We laugh and joke together about the Rain Dancer for some time, alternating back and forth between seeming busy and trying to think of something witty to say.

My battery dies. It has a life of less than an hour these days. So the geek in me grabs my book, in order to look cool, and begins to read. It is a novel about a poor man in Beijing who poses as a freelance journalist to eat at banquets for free. I am immersed. I feel light. I've not thought about Sebastian for almost an hour. A new record.

Then I wake from my Beijing book dream state as Mr. Tall Dark and Handsome (with perfect teeth) gets up and leaves. I dare not move my head. When I know he is gone I look at the seat he once sat on. No business card or phone number left there "by accident". Hey, it was worth a shot. I suddenly feel depressed. I think I need a hot chocolate.  Packing up my things I look out to the outer deck once more, trying to catch a glimpse of the Rain Dancer for one last smile. Instead, I am surprised to see Mr. Handsome standing at the railing, looking out to sea. I sit back. I look him over. I weigh my options heavily.

Heart broken. Hot chocolate. Depressed. Cute guy. Not ready for a relationship. Nice shoes. Feel guilty. Nice smile. Sick stomach. Sugar. Chocolate. Mr. Handsome. What to do?

I make my move, get up, and head to the cafeteria for the hot chocolate which will only further my depression, make me feel guilty and likely give me a stomach ache, then at the last minute I bee-line it out the door and to the outer deck. Am I actually going to do this!? Mr. Handsome With Nice Shoes has his back to me and is listening to music. I could easily turn around now and reconsider, but know that I won't. I put my bag down behind him and take a deep breath,

"You know, I don't think you're allowed to be out here unless you're dancing," I say with a smirk. He smiles back and takes off his ear phones.

"Oh I was going to start, I just needed to get some moves together in my head." This guy is cute and witty! "Where are you headed?"

"Vernon, actually. I'm going snowboarding with my sister for the weekend"

"Really? I am going to Vernon too. Well I have a meeting in Vancouver this afternoon then I'll drive to Vernon from that."

"Oh yeah? Well I am there until Wednesday. Maybe we could get a coffee there or something." That was bold, McGrew.

"So what do you do?" He leans against the railing, looking properly comfortable with the Active Pass behind him. I wish I could have taken a picture. He is like Eric in the Little Mermaid. Can I be Ariel? Can I? Please?

"Haha, nothing really, I am trying to become a writer. Working on some books and articles and what not. I was going to guess you were in real estate. What is your meeting about today?"

"Why Real Estate? It's IT related, actually"

"Because you have nice teeth. Aaaaand a trustworthy face." Another bold attempt at flattery.  Apparently I am not as out of practice as expected.

"I guess those are good things to have, thanks. Not really real estate. Do you know the new indoor soccer arena in Vernon? My company built that. We do pre-fab commercial stuff. My two business partners are in Vernon. That's why I am going there. I had a Geothermal business with a partner in Vernon about 3 years ago. That's why I moved from out East."

"Geothermal? In Vernon? What is your business partner's name?"

"Robin McKim"

"Really?"

"You know him?"

I laughing uncomfortably "Well I know a Robin who had a Geothermal company in Vernon. In fact, he played volleyball with my ex-boyfriend, Steven."

"No! Steve-o? You're Linda!?"

"I am."

"Wow this is too weird. Steve is like a brother to me. I lived with him, actually, in Vernon for almost two years."

"Wait, did you live at that house on the East hill where you have to walk around the back to get in?"

"Yeah. With Matty, Steve-o and Robin."

"I think I've met you before!"

"I think you have."

"This is so strange."I start to feel uncomfortable intimacy with this stranger. I want to leave but he continues.

"Where do you live now?"

"It's complicated cause I've just returned from being abroad. In fact, when Steven and I broke up I left basically right away to China. I've only come back now. It's been almost 4 years. But I am in Vic now. On Cook and Bay."

"Really? I live at Quadra and Kings."

"That is less than a kilometer away. This is way too strange."

I am drawn and pushed away at the same time. We keep chatting for a bit and find out we are both vegetarian and both go to the Y and all sorts of other strange yet magical things. The ferry reaches it's destination and I give him my email address. He writes to me that day and we meet in Vernon a few days later for drinks. We've met a few times since in Victoria. A strange, exciting and somewhat painful situation.

More stories to come from that no doubt.

Once in Vernon, Bonnie and I went snowboarding for two days of perfect conditions, through our favorite runs in the world. A friend of mine (Jenn) came for a day of boarding from Trail, and a friend of Bonnie's (Gill) came that same day from Salmon Arm. Good times were had by all.

By the way, snowboarding is like riding a bike. Taking jumps in the terrain park on the other hand, is not.

While "home" I headed up to Salmon Arm for a day for some trouble. There, I went for an amazing run through the old 'hood, and had a very special dinner with a very special young lady and her parents. Below, Molly and I being creative on the computer.

Since returning back to Victoria time has begun to fly by. This must be a good sign, as I was certain my world had come to a complete halt and I was living in hell only one month ago. Like they say, let time do it's magical healing. Now, if only time could magically find me a job. A book deal would be nice.